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Do you hate money? Spend $1000s on these stupid military-themed designer clothes

Sarah Sicard and J.D. Simkins

Do you hate money? Spend $1000s on these stupid military-themed designer clothes
Have you recently experienced the undeniable itch to once more saunter about in combat boots but your old pairs are simply damaged beyond repair? For those inexplicably pining for that coyote-colored footwear, Versace has you covered.
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Ralph Lauren's new Wool-Cashmere Peacoat will have you feeling like the saltiest of all seafaring mariners, minus all the salt. (Screenshot from Ralph Lauren)

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(Forever 21 screengrab)

The fashion giant, renowned for being both expensive and Italian, unveiled the Greca Rhegis combat boots this summer alongside a paltry price tag of $1,215. By carrying a cost about 10 times more than a standard-issue pair, customers can reminisce about those six deployments over a span of eight years while simultaneously celebrating a longstanding commitment to monetary mismanagement.

Money well spent, we say, especially since the desert boot, much like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, does not appear to be going out of style any time soon.

And while a sense of satisfaction is sure to wash over you as you slide your dog tag into the laces of your new Versaces, don’t stop there — not when you can equip an entire outfit with luxury militarized clothing for the measly cost of a new car.

There’s no better way to make your boots really pop than by pairing them with American designer Ralph Lauren’s $3,495 Wool-Cashmere Peacoat, which, when worn, can transform even a water treatment specialist into Commodore Matthew Perry.

With the highest collar in the history of clothing, you’ll be guaranteed protection from those strong winter winds as well as the waves of insults from the fashion illiterati.

“You just don’t get it!” you scream at your spouse after being berated about dipping into your child’s education fund to cover the cost of a peacoat. “It’s Ralph Lauren!”

It was the fashionable Edward Teach, after all, who, moments before being beheaded in battle in 1718, was recorded as saying, “Damnation seize my soul if I give you my Ralph Lauren peacoat, or take any lesser peacoat from you.”

Still, if a $3,500 peacoat isn’t your idea of daily attire, there are certainly other, more casual options.

Urban Outfitters, for example, offers a $120 “Vintage US Navy Coverall” replete with Navy insignia and name patch, making it the perfect jumpsuit for the veteran who can’t stop thinking about the glory days — before the dawn of the hideous blueberries.

And for the soldier who hates intact clothing, Forever 21 is here to meet your pre-ripped needs.

In a twist on the standard Army PT shirt, the fast-fashion company opted to enhance the look with some Edward Scissorhands-style amendments that achieve that perfect balance of skin and patriotism.

Hooah?

While fantastic, these items would be dramatically incomplete without one critical accessory — the pièce de résistance — capable of tying any outfit together.

The $30 “Rothco Reflective Physical Training Belt,” another Urban Outfitters gem, will not just keep your pants aloft, but will alert anyone with serviceable eyesight that, although you once served in the U.S. Armed Forces, your life as a hipster traffic cone is here to stay.

Be fashionable. Be stupid. Be à la mode.

 

 


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