Members of Congress were well on their way to passing a vote Wednesday that would make President Donald Trump just the third president in U.S. history to be impeached when the embattled leader, speaking to a crowd full of ardent supporters in Battle Creek, Michigan, took a detour from his talking points.
No, not to dive into a scathing critique of the impeachment proceedings, but rather to discuss the exciting capabilities of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter and the aesthetically pleasing qualities of the aircraft’s pilots.
“We have the F-35s — it’s stealth — and I was at one of the areas where they’re displaying it and I went up to the pilots and, honestly, they’re better looking than Tom Cruise,” the president said.
“Good movie,” he added, likely referencing “Top Gun,” which has a sequel hitting theaters next summer. “Good guy, too, by the way.”
There were other matters to discuss, of course, but the president’s enthusiasm for the stunning looks of F-35 pilots was just scratching the surface.
“The face is equal, maybe slightly better.”
Gaze upon the face of Narcissus. But what about those bodies?
“The body’s bigger and stronger,” he said.
The auditorium’s temperature suddenly began to rise. A fog settled on the glasses of those seated in the first few rows.
"They can definitely fight. They’re the real deal. These guys are so good looking. I said ‘You could be a movie star, go to Hollywood.’ [They responded] ‘No sir, I like what I’m doing.’
“You’ve got to see them,” Trump continued. “Just like central casting.”
He then stepped away for a moment from the topic of arresting looks to discuss the aircraft itself.
“I said, ‘Fellas, how good is this plane?’ They said, ‘Sir, it’s great.' Why? ‘Because the enemy can’t see it.’ That helps. Stealth. It’s actually called ‘super stealth.’”
With everyone else feeling insecure about their appearance, the president proceeded with the rally as planned, never acknowledging the looks of pilots of all other aircraft.
Peasants.
Want to pilot the top-of-the-line aircraft? Just read the roller coaster height requirement-style sign.
You must be this hot to fly this plane.